Brunch With Jesus and Trump
The Donald, Of Course— And The Jesus
As everyone knows, the PROUST QUESTIONNAIRE is a set of questions answered by the great French writer, Marcel Proust, and it is often used by modern interviewers.
A similar questionnaire is regularly seen on the back pages of Vanity Fair magazine and is answered by various celebrities.
Most celebrities are out on strike with The Nanny right now or too rich and celebrated to bother with a strike or with our interview, so Aaron Allbright agreed to sit for our questions:
Alice in Trumperland: It may seem trite, hackneyed, clichéd, and possibly redundant, repetitive, and superfluous — but if you could have brunch with any two persons, alive or dead — who would you choose?
Aaron: Jesus and Trump!
Alice: In 2022, there were 2,246 baby boys and 7 baby girls named Jesus. Mostly Jesús. Could you be more specific?
Aaron: I mean Jesus Jesus, as in God Jr.
And Donald Trump. But NOT Jr!
Jesus Jesus and THE Donald.
Alice: Got it. Thank you. How do you think the brunch would go?
TIME AND SPACE DISOLVED AND IT GOES JUST LIKE THIS:
Waiter: Gentlemen, my name is Ken. Just Ken. And I’m your server today. May I take your order? Or would you like the serve-yourself buffet?
Trump: Serve myself! Ha ha! I’d like to smash you in the face! If anybody will do it, I’ll pay for their lawyer.
Where’s my co-defendant, Walt? Bring me a Coke!
Aaron: We’ll order from the menu, Just Ken. Do you have a vegan menu? And is the bread organic?
Jesus: Man does not live by bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.
Trump: Speaking of God, have you seen that Paula White? My spiritual advisor? She’s not holding up so good. These days, you’d have to pay me to grab her by the pussy willow.
Aaron: Back to food. Jesus, I wanted to ask you about the loaves and the fishes. And feeding the multitude.
Trump: Where the hell is my Coke?! Let the multitudes work and feed themselves. Are you guys Socialists, Marxists, Communists?
And what’s with this Jesús business? Build the goddamned wall. Enough with all the Jesúses. When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.
And some, I assume, are good people. Like my Carlos De Oliveira! He’d destroy surveillance tapes if I asked him to, not that I did, but I had the right to do it, they’re mine. My surveillance tapes. They were surveilling MY documents.
Jesus: The miracle of the five loaves and two fishes teaches us to trust in God and to share with one another.
Trump: You guys need to read my books — “How to Get Rich” and “How to Think Like a Billionaire.”
My books’ll teach you everything you need to know about success, real estate, and life. Excuse me for saying it, but you guys seem a little lacking.
And Jesús. Are you from Mexico? I said you’d pay for the wall and you didn’t do it. Made me look bad. You have to do it.
Aaron: Jesus. I’d like to know about the Sermon on the Mount.
Jesus: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Trump: I told you once, “How to Get Rich.” Read it. Wake up. The poor? How smart can they be? They’re morons. *
Jesus: Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Trump: I’m meek, and I SHOULD inherit the earth. I deserve it. I’m the most meek person there is.
You’ll never meet a more meek person than Donald Trump. Trump is meek, he’s the best, number one meek, I can tell you that.
Jesus: You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Trump: When you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything.
Aaron: It is looking stormy. Maybe we’d better go inside the restaurant.
Trump: Don’t mention her name around me, that Stormy Daniels. Just like that E. Jean Carroll. Not my type.
Never met the two of them. They’re liars. Never met them, don’t know anything about them.
I don’t care what the jury said. I wouldn’t rape them or finger them in the middle of Fifth Avenue! But I could, and I wouldn’t lose any votes.
Jesus: If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well.
Trump: I have had 4095 lawsuits in my life. So far. Try to take my shirt, Jesus or Jesús or whatever, and I’ll sue your ass. And take your pants to. Your robe, that is.
Why are you wearing a dress anyway? Are you just a cross-dresser? A drag queen?
No library Drag Queen Story Hours! Specially with all the Stories-on-the-Mount nonsense I heard today.
Where’s my Coke! And my Big Whopper and KFC?!
Sorry to say it, Aaron, but your buddy here seems like a dumb son-of-a-bitch. Hate to say it but he’s just like Biden. Maybe worse. Dumb son-of-a bitch.
I gotta go. Gotta give my own sermon on the mount in Iowa. Their highest point is the top of a fuckin’ cornstalk.
· DT on the poor: https://www.thedailybeast.com/the-daily-show-digs-up-trump-quote-on-poor-people-theyre-morons
Aaron Allbright is the author of “THE LAND NEAR OZ: Two Gay Yankees Move to New Zealand”
https://substack.com/@aaronallbright?utm_source=user-menu
To buy “The Land Near Oz” on Amazon
His novel in five parts will be published on Substack.
Soon:
“IN A DESERT OR A CITY”
BOOK I
‘PRINCE CARTIER’ or HOW I LEARNED TO LOVE BEING GAY WITH MY SAUDI PRINCE AND TO START WORRYING
BOOK II
MONSIEUR LE PRINCE, PARIS
BOOK III
THE MYSTERIES OF PARIS
BOOK IV
TYROMANCY AND LUCIFER
BOOK V
WHY WAIT FOR THE LIGHT?
